Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
