why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
