I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
