i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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