dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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