don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
