dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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