My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
