It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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