I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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