i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
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Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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