Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
