I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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