Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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