Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
