She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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