Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
