I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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