I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize