He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
