Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
