i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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