The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
