No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
