I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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