soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
