haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
