I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Randomize
