I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
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