i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking