I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?