Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
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I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
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i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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