She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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