but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
