I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
