I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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