Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
