I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
