So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
