Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
well I can't set my house on fire every night
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
