we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
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