if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
