I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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