I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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