I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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