tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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