i need an iv and a liver transplant
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
