I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
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Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
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Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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