so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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