Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
