Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I chose taco bell over sex...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Reggie can tackle my bush.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later