$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
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Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
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We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.