I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
