Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
