i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
