I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Randomize
