there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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