is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
