Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
