We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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